Caves
by breathemusic
Summary: SONGFIC...sorta. Based off of a group of Jacks Mannequin songs. Annie is in a tough situation, and what if Adam, the classic bad boy, decides he knows how to help? But what if he just makes it worse?
1. Prologue

**Authors note: OKIE DOKIE! So this is my first FanFic so tell how you like it. I've been meaning to write one for a while but id start and be really into it and then i would lose inspiration...but so far this one has stuck with me and i like it so tell me what you think. The idea here is that i took a bunch of Jack's Mannequin songs and each one inspired a chapter in my story...so let me know how much it sucks.**

** This chapter is what inspired the whole plot of the story so the actual first chapter will be up today also**

**DISCLAIMER: ALL SONGS AND LYRICS BELONG TO JACK'S MANNEQUIN!!!!!**

Caves

I'm caught

Somewhere in between

Alive

And living a dream.

No peace

Just clicking machines

In the quiet of compazine.

The walls caved in on me.

And she sings

My bird dressed in white.

And she stings

My arm in the night.

I lay still

Still I'm ready to fight.

Have my lungs

But you can't take my sight.

The walls caved in

Tonight.

And out here

I watch the sun circle the earth

The marrows collide in rebirth

In God's glory praise

The spirit calls out from the caves.

The walls fell and there I lay

Saved.

The walls are caving in

As far as I can see

The walls are caving in

The doors got locked for sure

There's no one here but me

Beat my body like a rag doll

you stuck the needles in my hip

Said 'we're not gonna lie

Son, you just might die

Get you on that morphine drip, drip'

The walls are caving in

As far as I can see

The walls are caving in

The doors got locked for sure

There's no one here but me

I fought a war to walk a gang plank

Into a life I left behind

Windows leading to the past

Think it's time I broke some glass

Get this history off my mind

And what if we were married forever?

Like the past never happened

And time did not exist for us at all

I still think we'd still be traveling together

Through all kinds of weather

Everything's a piece of everyone

As far as I can see

Walls are caving in

Doors got locked for sure

But I see these doors have keys

Walls are caving in

As far as I can see

The walls are caving in

Doors got locked for sure

There's no one here but me

There's no one here but me

No one here but me, yeah.

There's no one here but me

No one here but me.


	2. Meet Me at My Window

**A/N: OK. first chapter up...wow this is confusing sometimes...grrr its because I was a fanfic virgin lol.**

**DISCLAIMER: ALL LYRICS AND SONGS BELONG TO JACKS MANNEQUIN!!!**

**NOW READ!!!**

Meet Me at My Window

" Meet me at my window

At my window

I could use a hero right now

You could use someone to save

Someone like me

Someone who's not brave

Someone who's not free"

I sat alone, as was now my habit, at the lunch table. Not eating, not doing homework, not talking. Not doing anything, just sitting. Trying not to think about it. It was still too unbelievably painful to bear.

But, even trying as hard as I could, it came to mind. It was not him. I refused to consider the fact that it could have been his own doing. Someone had him do it. He loved me too much to betray...

My downward-spiral was cut short by the sound of someone sitting down across from me.

I expected them to say something, but I didn't look up even as the silence grew. I knew what was coming, I remembered my last encounter like this.

" Annie, we really need to talk."

But I didn't talk. So instead she continued.

" I know its hard. But, really, everyone goes through this and its just something you need to come to terms with."

God, she sounded just like my ridiculous therapist, that probably had more issues than me.

"No, Rebecca," I spat, "No, you don't know. Not even close."

She started to say something, but paused, then started over.

" I'm really just trying to help. That's what friends do, and, well, I don't

know what else to do. I've tried so many things, thinking eventually you would come around, and be who you were before. "

She paused again, as if she thought that maybe I would say something.

"When did you become like this? Well, nevermind, I know the answer to that. I guess what I meant was, well, what happened to your ability to bounce back? You could see the brightside to everything before, and now, its just like theres no brightside at all."

Wow, she was perceptive. " I lost it, ok? How can I bounce back from this? I can't. There is no brightside, there is no justice, there is nothing anymore. I don't know what to believe, if there's anything to believe in at all."

'You could at least try," she pleaded.

But I was done. I went back to contemplating my food rather than eating it. Wasn't that good anyway.

As I continued to sit there in the ever-growing silence, I realized that this person was not Becca. Becca fidgeted, and couldn't sit still for more than a few minutes. This person sat relatively still, and seemed to have no inclination to speak at all.

I lifted my head, genuinely curious for the first time in months, to look at the person who was now looking at me with a slightly amused expression on his pale face.

Our eyes locked, his an ice blue, so white it was almost silver, and mine, an empty hazel, which held no sign of life in them.

"Can I help you with something?", I asked allowing a little acid to leak into my voice.

"I'm not sure," He said, as if he had known exactly what I would say "I was thinking of mixing things up a bit, and I figured you might want a little...company"

This was not what I wanted at all. The opposite actually. "Well, move along, because I don't want your _company._ Thanks for the offer though,_ Adam_."

'Well then, that really disappoints me," he said, cocky as ever, "because, I'm going to stay." At this he looked me straight in the eyes and smiled, as if challenging me to do something about it.

"Well, stay then, I'm certainly not moving. And you can count on the fact that I will not be any company to you at all"

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He did not move then, and had continued to sit there with me, in either complete silence, or a stoned monologue, which I eventually learned to tune out.

And, just as I promised, I did not move either. So there I sat, during lunch with the school's only bona-fide bad boy. He was everything in one. A pot-head, a drinker, an outcast, and just an all-around bad kid. He talked back to teachers, came to class drunk or stoned if he came to class at all, and was never nice, _to anybody._ He was tall, pale, had sharp, intimidating features, and messy blond hair. He was usually quiet, and even then, he seemed to emanate an air of constant amusement and superiority

It continued like this for one week until, during one of his monologues, it became too much to tune out.

"...I just don't think you understand. You are lying to yourself. How could you be this sad over one little thing, it was his doing anyway, you should be proud that he finally grew the-"

I cut him short. "That's it! Leave now. Or you will regret the very day you were born, you fucking asshole."

"Well...Annie get your gun...who knew such a good girl had this fiery a temper...really makes me wonder about other things..." he trailed off suggestively.

"Why are you here anyway? To simply rub salt in my wounds, or is there a grander scheme involved? Because, to tell you the truth, I'm not going to fall for whatever it is you're trying to pull."

Adam simply slid towards me in the red plastic chair and smiled, obviously satisfied with himself, or my response.

"Well," He stated, folding his hands in front of him on the table, " First, of course I have an agenda. Doesn't everybody? Second, you already have fallen for it."

"You see, my agenda was actually quite close to what you guessed. When one rubs salt in your wounds, as I am doing to you, it is more painful at first, then that pain, triples, then, just when you think you can't feel anymore pain, you do. Until you are simply numb to that pain, among other pains. Not being able to feel pain makes life so much easier"

I sat absolutely still my chair, as I listened to the crazy man across from me talk. Who did he think he was? I couldn't stand it anymore, all I was getting was more pain, there was no numbness anywhere. Not even the faint tingling that numbness would ever come.

" You are sick," I muttered, appalled. "You should be getting help, not giving it."

The wacko simply smirked and nodded, as if he had expected this answer even before I opened my mouth. "And you, of course, know all about how much that _"help"_ actually helps, don't you?"

I didn't answer, instead I just glared at him and wished that he would disappear.

"No answer? Ok. Let me restate my question. How much good did that _help_ do to your brother? Not much obviously, because he still decided to jump."

I wanted to stop him from talking, but I couldn't breathe. The hole that had been threatening to rip open if I thought about it now did. There was pain, and I really had thought I had reached my limit. His plan was shit. There was no numbness, not even now, when I most needed it. He continued before I had even been able to think about catching my breath.

"Nate didn't care. Not enough obviously, since he's not here, right now, to protect you. But then again, did you help him? No, so I guess that's why he-"

"Stop." I said weakly, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk. But I had to stop him, it was too much. I looked through the tears that were now streaming freely down my face, at the empty cafeteria around us. Through the haze of pain in my brain, I became aware that lass had already stated, but there was not way I could go, even if I could find a way to move.

"Of course," Adam said, as if I had only asked him to pass the salt, not to stop shoving blazing hot knives into my heart.

He stood up and began to walk away, but stopped, and turned around to face me, with a softer look on his face.

"It really will help to hear the unadulterated truth for once in your life, and the pain will leave you, you just have to go through hell to get there."

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**A/N: OK. SO now its your turn to tell me just ow much it sucks. And really. TELL THE TRUTH! If you, lie i will find you.....sorta. But now worries..im not one of those people whos all "IM NOT GONA UPDATE UNTIL I HAVE __ REVIEWS" thats really lame. really lame! ahhhh ok time to review.**


	3. Spinning

**A/N: WHEW!!! Sorry!!! Its been a while because when i was working on chapter three WE GOT A KITTY!!!!! ahhhhh! so happy! soory! THEN the elections were here and OBAMA WON!!!! ICK!!!! McCAIN PEOPLE!!!! whatever lol...so here it is**

**DISCLAIMER: NOPE, NOT MY MUSIC!!!!**

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Spinning

"I can't remember when the earth turned slowly,

So I'm just waiting with the lights turned out again.

I lost my place but I can't stop this story

I'll find my but till then I'm only

Spinning"

After Adam left, probably to go get high or do some other illegal activity, I sat at the table a little while longer, my mind completely blank with confusion, before I realized that I needed to leave before I got caught.

I didn't want to go back to class though. I probably should have, because I'd get in trouble. But either way I would have gotten in trouble, so, out of school I walked, defying the man for the first time in my life.

########################################################################

I knew I shouldn't be here, I hadn't been here since the day after we found out. This was unhealthy. This was wrong.

I don't even know how I ended up here, my body drove faster than my brain and didn't catch up until I was out of the car and walking towards the bluffs.

I wasn't here to do anything drastic, I was just going to think. This used to be a place where we would come to think and talk, but know it was just painful. Maybe I was becoming masochistic. Maybe Adam wasn't the only crazy one.

Either way, I was here, and I might as well go with it. So sat down on the edge, like Nate and I always used to do, and I thought. I thought about my conversation at lunch, and the past months. I thought about Nate, and why he jumped. And I thought about Adam, and his backwards psychology.

It had seemed like Adam really believed what he was telling me and it wasn't some kind of sick joke. Adam is not the kind of person who reaches out and helps others when he sees they need it. He's actually not much of a "people person" at all.

But, suppose it was possible that he truly meant every word he said at lunch, did that mean he was right?

I did not think so. He had gone on and on, stabbing me with every possible knife to inflict as much pain on me as possible, and there was only pain left in its place. Extreme pain. Horrific pain. However, the pain had dulled since I'd been away from him long enough and he wasn't shoving flaming knives into me, but I could feel the edges of the wounds threatening to break open again.

But it was a different pain, like instead of it being in my body, it had been condensed and multiplied, and was now just torturing me from inside my head.

Then I thought about my brother, he had been so happy, I couldn't believe he was the type to just- I couldn't even form my thoughts to create that idea in my head.

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**A/N: I know, it was short...but it was reeeeeealllly long and i had to cut it in two...SO good news is!!!! you can read the next chapter today also!!!!!**

**LOVE TO ALL**

**breathemusic**

**(OMG I JUST REALIZED MY USERNAME IS SPELLED WRONG!!! IM GONNA FIX THAT!!!!)**


	4. God

**A/N: READ AND REVIEW CUTIES!!!!!**

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God

"I don't believe in Bible

 I don't believe in tarot

 I don't believe in Hitler 

I don't believe in Jesus

 I don't believe in Kennedy

 I don't believe in Buddha"

I don't know exactly when I passed out, but I remember that after a while, my thoughts had dribbled off into nothing and I had slowly lost consciousness, probably due to the large amount of alcohol I had consumed.

I did not usually drink, but Nate had, and I hid his stash before mom or dad could find it, and had just come across it in the car. So, when in Rome? I had adopted it over the past month, it helped to be able to leave the world for a while to escape the pain.

Either way, when I woke up, I was not where I had been before I passed out. I was in a car that smelled like air freshener and, well, pot.

I rolled over, still groggy, to figure out where exactly I was, when a wave of nausea hit me.

"Here", a smooth voice greeted me as well as a brown paper bag, just as that nausea became a problem.

Wow, after you throw up, you really do feel a little better.

I looked up only to find myself looking into Adam's silver eyes.

"Where are we?"

"In my car."

I sat up, fighting back the bile in my throat, to see that we were actually moving. And it was getting dark, really dark.

"No, no Adam. Where are we going? I have to get home because, because..." I slurred until he cut me off.

"You can't go home like that. Unless you want to be institutionalized by the crazies. Second, I'm taking you to _my_ hideout. Yours, apparently, includes the cliff that your brother jumped from. Talk about morbid."

I was too out of it to feel any real pain, just slight nudges around my mental wounds. Then a thought occurred to me through the clearing haze.

"What about my car?"

"I'll give you ride back to it when you're ready," he simply stated.

"Ok," I tried, "I'm ready now."

"Um, no, you are most definitely not." Adam said, his words flowing out of his mouth so quickly I had to really try to concentrate through my stupor to catch them all, "You can't hold your liquor and I didn't want to feel guilty when I found out that you drove off the fucking cliff cuz' you were drunk off your ass"

Needless to say, I was shocked. And confused, very confused.

"Why would you feel guilty?" My brain simply could not come up with a valid reason for him to feel this.

But, instead of answering my question, he pulled up to an old bar, and started to get out.

Once I realized he was not going to wait for me I stumbled quickly out of the car and to his side, feeling the blood rush through my veins again, along with the nausea.

Needless to say, this place was a shithole. This whole side of town was a shithole. Looked like we might be in the warehouse district. The bar was dark on the outside, with a little light peaking through the cracks in the boarded-up windows. There was no sign, labeling this as a bar, but the broken bottles and drunk people out front were sign enough.

As we walked inside, it was only slightly better. There was light and less-drunk people sat around the bar, leering at me as I walked through.

Before I had the chance to be scared and speed up to match Adam's long stride, he slowed down and gently but his hand on my arm as he lead me through.

He nodded his head to the bartender, who was a middle-aged tired looking man, but not one of the sleazebags he was serving drinks to.

I became even more confused when we passed the last of the tables and headed down a very long flight of stairs in the dark.

We reached the bottom of the stairs, then turned a corner, and possibly another, but I was too disoriented to know. Eventually we reached what seemed to be a large room of sorts, and Adam let go of me for a second to turn on the lights.

The room must have once been a large garage, but now had some furniture and a television in it, and could pass as a living space.

Adam reached in to a cabinet and brought out some hard liquer, and then continued on to the couch, taking me with him the whole time.

"Adam?, I.." my sentence dragged off into nothingness, I had nothing to say.

He unscrewed the cap of vodka, took a swig, then handed it to me. "Come on," He coaxed nudging the bottle at me again, " you won't be better until morning anyway."

I took the bottle unsteadily, still undecided. I knew this probably wasn't the best I dea, but he was right...

"It helps, just drink."

I hesitantly brought the bottle to my lips, then decided. What the hell, I might as well. I sipped, then I gulped. It was good, not quality stuff, but still enough to ease my aching throat.

"Haha, I was right, yes?" he chuckled.

"Yeah, you were." I sighed "About more than just the vodka. I think. I'm not numb, but I can see your logic. I still think your nuts. COMPLETELY nuts actually."

"Actually, let me let you in on a little secret, I'm not nuts." He laughed " I'm actually the only sane person alive! It's everybody else that's crazy."

I giggled, as I took another drink, feeling the buzz intensify. "Isn't that what they all say? Right before they are locked up in padded rooms."

"Fuck that," Adam stated. "they don't know shit. Doctors don't know shit, therapists don't know shit, priests don't know shit, and parents definitely don't know shit. That's why I stay here most of the time. Luke owns this place, and he lets me do what I want, when I want, how I want."

"What about your parents?" I asked, stunned by this outpour of openness on Adam's part.

"My moms dead. My dad gave up a while ago. Apparently it was just _too much_ for him to handle"

"Oh."

"But the thing is I don't care. I don't need in anyone to care about me."

"Why are you so cynical?" I slurred, becoming angry.

"Cynical? No, im realistic"

" You don't want anything, anybody? How can you not care? Don't you have something to believe in?" I yelled, desperate for him to tell me a happy ending to his story.

"I don't believe in anything, because there is nothing to believe in." He said.

"Nothing?" I asked, as if I had just found out that there was no tooth fairy.

Adam took another sip from the bottle, and sat back thoughtfully. He seemed to be battling over whether or not there is something he could believe in.

"There must be something," I said gently.

Adam looked up then, and looked, softly but purposefully, into my eyes. "I believe in you." He said quietly.

"Of all the things to believe in, why me? I can't even believe in myself." I said sadly, I so wanted him to actually believe in me, but I doubted it was true.

"I believe ion you because you believe in me. And because, despite all the shit I've givin you, you still came with me. And you are still here"

My heart swelled with this, and I knew it was true, or it could have been just the alcohol. We were both smashed beyond belief, the bottle of vodka long gone. Adam leaned into me, his silver eyes glassy, and gently laid his lips on mine.

He kissed me once, then pulled back, a hesitant smile came onto his lips , then he leaned in again, and pulled my head gently to his.

His mouth tasted like the vodka, mints, and weed. I leaned more into him, and he pulled me onto his lap. We kissed deeply and gently, until we had to pull away for air.

After catching my breath I said the first thing that came to mind, " I am very drunk, Mr. Kane. I giggled and leaned into his warm chest.

"Mmm?"

"Nothing.."

"Okay," he sighed, and then I heard a click, and the scent of pot filled the air around me.

When in Rome?

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**A/N: So yeah its gonna get good soon, i swear! Also the phrase WHEN IN ROME..i hope you know it...cuz otherwise you will be confuzzled...**

**GIVE CRITICISM!!!**


	5. The So Unknown

**A/N: GAH! I know...it has been like a month since I updated!!! And I have a laundry list of excuses but, in short, its my ADHD! i cannot focus for shit!! and I hit a rough patch...but anywho! Read and review....and tell your friends cuz i have a whopping total of TWO reviews...i know! amazing...not! give me some encouragement...or criticism..whichever you prefer!**

**DISCLAIMER: Nooooooope....Own not I**

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The So Unknown

"I get the feeling we're so misdirected

I get the feeling we've lost control

So then I'll turn you to the new religion

Charting out into the so unknown"

"So when did you decide I was right?" Adam turned his head, which was now resting on my lap, to look up at me. " I mean, to accept the fact I was right, since we both knew it all along."

"Oh sure. And what is it that makes you think that I've _accepted_ that you were right? For all you know, I could still have my...doubts." I said, smiling down at him.

Adam laughed then sat up and looked me in the eyes, unbelieving. "Annie Masen if you didn't have at least some inkling towards the fact that I was right, you would not have come with me, nor would you have gotten drunk off you ass with me. And, I can most certainly say that you would not have gotten high either." Even though, he too has drunk and high, he never lapsed from his perfect articulation. "Tell me I'm wrong."

" Yes, I suppose you are right. But I don't think I really consciously recognized that until now."

"I told you I was always right.", he smirked, laying his head back down to rest on my lap.

"Oh sure." I ran my hands through his wavy blond hair absentmindedly, feeling myself slip farther off the edge, just about to pass out again, but completely content to fall.

Adam pulled me down next to him, so now we were face to face laying on the wide couch.

"I think-I think I'm going to kiss you again Annie."

"Okay"

And then he did, but this time it was different, not soft and gentle like the first kiss, but rather this one was more urgent, and demanding, but also more passionate.

We kissed until I passed out, or Adam did, it's always a little too fuzzy to be sure.

I awoke to a horrible ringing. A blaring, buzzing...something. and what ever it was, it was loud. And annoying.

"Jesus Annie," came from a voice next to me, "answer you fucking phone."

Oh, it was my cellphone, I realized too late.

"Hello?' I said groggily right before it went to voice mail.

" Oh thank the Lord! She answered finally. Annie? Where are you? Are you okay? Annie? Come home now! Are you hurt? Annie?!"

I was most certainly in for it now.

"Mom. I'm fine. I slept over at a friend's house. I'll be out more today, I'll be home tonight. I promise."

" Annie, you cut class! What's wrong? Do you want to talk to Anita?"

Immediately last night's conversation with Adam flew into my head.

_Doctors don't know shit, therapists don't know shit, priests don't know shit, and parents definitely don't know shit._

" No. She's crazier than me! And, you know what? Sometimes I think YOU'RE crazier than me!," I was really yelling now, which hurt my head, but I didn't care enough to stop. " don't expect me home soon, because I'm gonna be out for a while."

"Annie," my mother pleaded " just come home tonight, we love you and we don't want this to end up like it did with..."

I hung up. I still couldn't stand to hear her say it.

"Shh, Annie it's alright." Adam reached over to comfort me, I was crying now. "you did so good. Really, that was amazing." He kissed my cheek, and turned me to face him.

"No, I should be able to fight her! I should be able to tell her it was their fault! It was..."

"You can tell me Annie. What do you think happened with Nate?"

"I don't know what happened. All I know is that he was the best brother anyone could ask for, he was my best friend, he was funny, nice, smart, and, then...he just changed. It started with just picking up some bad habits, drinking, staying out late. But I covered for him, I figured it was just a phase, you know? But then he became more distant, cynical, and sometimes he would look at me like I was just too naive to possibly understand anything. He talked back to my parents more, broke every rule and he became a whole different person. But then, every once and a while, when he was just with me, and we would get to talking, he would seem more like his old self, but not quite. More like a shadow of who he had been. And he seemed aged somehow, like he had seen a war, and it had changed his whole outlook in life.

"And then, my parents decided to send him to a therapist. He went once, and he never came home. My parents called everybody, but no one knew where he'd gone. I went to the cliffs, to think. It had been out secret place. No one else knew about it, and that gave it a special, almost sacred feeling. But when I got there-"

I broke out in sobs. I couldn't even think about this, how could I possibly tell him? But, I needed to continue. So I did.

"I found his car. Just sitting there, empty. I ran to it, hoping with everything inside of me that he would be in there waiting for me to find him. Like when we would play hide-and-seek as kids. He wasn't in it. I went to the ledge, crying. And that's when I saw...first all I saw was his jacket, but then I saw his shoe, and I tried to look away, to believe I hadn't seen it, but it was if there was a force inside of me that needed me to find him."

I couldn't go on. I burst into tears. Adam reached over, pulled me onto his lap, and held onto me as I bawled. He rocked me back and forth, over and over, until eventually my tears ran out.

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**A/N: Good???? Bad????? REVIEWWW????**

**please my loves?**


	6. Rescued

**A/N: Now, you see, if I actually had readers, i'd have to apologize for the long wait, maybe even come up with some excuses. I actually have some valid ones this time too! BUT SEEING AS NOONE READS MY STORY...or at least noone reviews, which makes it KNOWN that you read my story, im talking to myself anyway.**

**I must be crazy.**

**Anywho self...would ou like to read the chapter?**

**Here it is SELF...ready for you to read.**

**And only you apparently.**

**Me, myself and I don't own the songs...or any readers....**

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Rescued

"I'm finally numb

So please don't get me rescued

Rescued"

"Here," Adam said as he passed the pipe to me, his silver eyes empty.

"Mmmmm..." We were gone beyond belief, and it was wonderful. It was wonderful because he was right. I was numb; I didn't have to think about not thinking about it, it just happened. I lay back on the couch and let the sickly sweet smoke fill every space inside of me, replacing all feeling.

But in the back of my head, I became faintly aware that I wasn't exactly free of the feelings, they were just repressed, pushed into the smallest corner of my brain. Farther back than the part that told me they were there.

Of course, I ignored that part of my brain too.

After a long period of blissful, stoned silence, Adam spoke, "We should at least go get your car. Before it gets stolen, or towed, or something."

"Oh. I guess." I said, pulling myself back through the thick mist in my head to reality, trying to remember why I didn't have my car, and where exactly I had left it.

Adam laughed at my confused expression, "You left it at the cliff, I drove you here"

It was as if he could read my mind.

We gathered ourselves up and walked back through the maze of hallways and staircases, through the bar, and out into the bleak afternoon fog.

"We aren't taking your car?" I asked when Adam walked straight past it.

"No, I don't really think you'll be in condition to drive on your own once we get to your car." He smirked, his eyes sharp, and kept walking, leaving me two steps behind once again.

As we walked, I watched the sky. The fog turned into thick, dark rain clouds that hovered, threatening to pour down on us any minute. When they broke, it began with a light mist, which quickly became heavy, making it impossible to see anything that wasn't directly in front of you. Then, droplets began to fall sporadically, hitting my nose as I faced the sky. By the time we reached the cliffs, the rain had just began to fall in earnest, smacking the ground beside us as we walked, relishing in the falling water, ignoring the freezing temperature. The first, deep, building rumbles of thunder began as I reached into my pocket for the keys that belonged to my beloved _La Baron._ I fished around fruitlessly, then looked up to meet Adam's amused and slightly condescending gaze.

"I can't find my keys," I said, stating the blaring truth.

"Really?" He said, pulling out my keys from his pocket and dangling them before me. "I wonder why."

I scowled at him, and briefly wondered when he had taken them, I knew I had them when we first went to Luke's...but pushed away the thought as I pushed the key into the door, beginning to feel the cold.

We crawled into the car as the rain shower transformed into a full-fledged storm, lightening preceding thunder by only the briefest of seconds, and the wind pushing the rain in every direction.

"Wow," I said, marveling at the developing storm right outside the windshield.

Adam ignored me, turning up the heat and pushing his chair back all the way, then doing the same to mine. Then, he reached into my backseat, where there was another bottle. He pulled something out of his pocket, then fumbled around with the bottle for a few seconds, before commenting.

"You have quite the stock here, don't you?" he asked holing up the bottle he had just retrieved. "Grey Goose? You _are_ rich." He sounded almost disgusted.

"There's other stuff in that back," I said, uncaring, as I tried to grab the bottle.

"No, I have no problem with the vodka. But don't you find it ironic?" He asked, handing the bottle to me, suddenly serious, his eyes probing mine intensely.

"Um, find what ironic?" I said, taking a swig from the bottle, thrown by the intensity in his features.

He was immediately furious. "You really don't understand anything do you?"

This was clearly a rhetorical question, but I decided to ignore that fact. "Even Socrates would not be able to understand you!" I said, fuming. "You're impossible. Even without your constant, unpredictable mood swings, it would be impossible. You are constantly saying things that only a person as fucked up as you would understand! So no, I don't understand, _please _enlighten me, I'm just dying to know what it is that I don't get." Then I chugged from the bottle, ignoring the fact that the taste was slightly off.

Adam leaned forward, immediately repentant. "I'm- I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, I just got frustrated. I'm sorry, forgive me, please." He reached for my hand with cool, pale fingers and held it to his face.

" I- of course I forgive you." I stuttered, thrown again by his change in mood, and by the rapidly solidifying fog in my head, which should have been thinning because the drugs had begun to wear off, but wasn't.

"You shouldn't," he said looking deep into me. "I don't deserve you, "

"What?" I asked. "Of course you do..."

"No, Annie, I've done _horrible_ things, and I don't even regret them. To you especially. You don't even know the half of it."

"Well, you did steal my keys," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

"No! God, Annie, please listen to me. _Please, _Annie,please_ listen. _I'm trying to tell you to stay away from me, even having you here doesn't make me regret what I've done to you, in fact, it makes me happy that I did it, because it brought you to me."

"What did you do?" I said, becoming upset by his words, trying to comprehend them, but finding it impossible because of the barrier in my mind.

"I can't tell you."

"Ok, well, I'm not leaving, I want to stay with you, and I never want to go home. Wherever you go is my home now."

Adam looked at me, his eyes full of pain, then his expression abruptly changed. He eyes went blank, his features perfectly smooth. Then, he pulled me over onto his lap, and kissed me passionately and without hesitance.

As the storm surged on outside the windows of my car, our kissing, like the rain, transformed into a storm as we removed each other's soaked clothes and fumbled to be inside each other.

The last things I saw before I blacked out were Adam's face, beautiful in its severity, still completely blank and emotionless, and, through the fogged up windows of the car, a familiar flash of movement straight over the edge of the cliff.

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**A/N: CLIFFHANGER! Literally....haha....funny joke........**

**Oh and if by chance you are reading my story, and maybe you didn't get it before...Please review.**

**if you do i'll send you a quote in return..and with this next chapter its gonna be a good one!!!!**


	7. At Full Speed

**A/N: I dedicate this lovely chapter to two peoples!**

**1. Kywah!!!!!!!! Love you girl!!!! You made me get off my ass and finish this chapter! (HEY READERS GUESS WHAT? SHE reviews!!!!)**

**2. My parents, who, thanks to them, I am stuck at home on new years eve....what else would I do?**

**disclaimer: I'm working o the ownership thing, but its not coming along too well...till then, Jack's Mannequin owns the songs and lyrics**

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At Full Speed

"In between the white lines where I found love

All alone on a road going nowhere

Going nowhere

Going nowhere

At full speed"

For the second time in...Two days?..Three?...I awoke to a beeping. But this beeping was different, it was calculated, repetitive, and showed no signs of letting up. This beeping didn't hurt my head as much.

"Yeah, okay. Thanks." came a velvety voice beside me that I didn't recognize. Then, a warm hand reached out and stroked my face once, before I heard him stand and leave the room. I tried to find my eyes so that I could open them, to figure out where I was, and who the beautiful voice and warm hand belonged to, but I couldn't make them open.

I lapsed into sleep again.

The beeping was still here. But where was the voice of the angel I heard the last time? I listened past the beeping, and past the sounds of echoing footsteps, but he was nowhere. My eyes still did not want to cooperate. Where was Adam? Why had he left me? Where was I? Why was I here? Where was my angel?

More beeping. But where was my angel? Had I imagined him? If I was dead, why couldn't I see? Maybe this was hell. After everything that had happened over the past few-how long had it been? - days I might deserve that. But I don't remember dying. I just remember me and Adam, together, in my car-Adam where are you?

This time, when I awoke, everything was the clearest it had been in a long time. I opened my eyes, to find myself, not in my _La Baron,_ as I had been, but in a square room, with walls painted a bland taupe, a wide window on my left with a vase of daisies set on it, and lots of machines. A room that could only belong in a hospital. I was in a hospital? Why?

I was just coming to the conclusion that I had imagined my angel when I heard a voice coming from the open doorway.

"Well, look who's finally up."

I looked up, startled, to finally see my angel. He was an angel. He was tall and well built, and maybe just out of high school, a year or two older than me. He had a strong jaw, and high cheekbones, covered in beautiful, golden skin. His eyes were a warm, piercing green, and his hair was a luminous brown.

He seemed the opposite of Adam.

"Who-who are you?" I asked, stumbling over my words.

He smiled, lighting up his whole face, and walked forward to greet me. "That's right, you don't know me." He was wrong though, I did know him, he was my angel. "I'm Drew. I'm an intern here. I've been assigned to watch over you."

"Oh." I said dumbly, not knowing what to say next.

"I suppose you want to know why you're here, and other details. Yes?"

"Oh, um, yes, I suppose." I was still very confused, probably even more so than before. Hell made much more sense.

"Well," he began as he pulled out a clipboard. "Emergency admittance due to exhaustion, overdose of gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid, and chemical imbalance. An anonymous caller made a call at 5:42 pm; You were found in your car by paramedics and rushed to the hospital. You've been here for a total of 76 hours, and, until about two hours ago, you were in an induced coma." He paused, looking at his watch, then continued. "Right now its 8:26 pm, visiting hours ended about and hour and a half ago. You parents visit you everyday, almost all day, and your friend Rebecca comes for about an hour every day." He took a breath, "And I think that's about it. Anything I didn't mention?"

What? What about Adam? "I was found alone? You are sure there isn't anyone else that came to visit me?"

"Yes, on both counts, there was no one there, and there was no one else that I didn't mention."

Adam left me there, not knowing if I would be okay, and then didn't even come to visit me? Even after we...had sex? Why?

"Gamma hydro..what?"

Drew hesitated, and then winced. "GHB. It's the date rape drug"

"Date rape?' I said, a million thoughts running through my head at once.

Who had drugged me? Adam? Why? Why did he leave me? Why hadn't he come to visit?

Drew, sensing my confusion, said, "Do you need a while alone?" His eyes watching me with concern, a concern to deep for a standard doctor-patient relationship.

"I-yeah, I need some time to...process", I said, choosing my words carefully.

"Okay, that's fine, I'll come back in about ten minutes to run some test now that you're awake." He smiled, but it didn't reach the eyes that were now probing into my soul, and seem worried about what they saw there. He then left, throwing one last glance over his shoulder before turning the corner.

I listened to his footsteps echoing down the hall, trying, however futilely, to delay whatever conclusions I might come too, until I could no longer hear them.

Where to start? I had been given so much information, yet so little, that I was lost in the translation.

I guess it would make the most sense to start at the beginning.

With Adam, in the car.

And GHB.

I didn't even know what to think.

I did a project for SexEd last year on date rape, so I guess this would be my...specialty, as sick as that sounds.

I knew a few things. One it came in a dissolvable tablet. It was usually put into drinks.

_The vodka. Adam fumbled around with the bottle for a little to long, to just be unscrewing it._

It usually could be detected because it gave the liquor a slightly salty taste.

_The taste had been off. It was really wrong. But you ignored that._

It also worked quickly, numbing the senses, and muting brain activity and emotion.

_The haze. You knew it shouldn't have been thickening. You was sobering up by the time we walked out of Luke's! But, you ignored that too. _

And, most importantly, before you finally went under, you experienced lack of judgement.

_You didn't even think twice about having sex with him. You had only really known him for maybe 24 hours._ _He warned you though. To stay away from him. That he had done bad things to you._

I thought he was talking about the drugs. Not...rape.

But, no. That couldn't be it. Adam may not come off as the most...moral person, but he wouldn't _drug_ and _rape_ me. He...loved me didn't he? Thats the reason I didn't question it. Because it felt right. Because I loved him.

Right?

Impaired judgement. Lack of judgement.

_Love? _

_Rape?_

If he did rape me, that would be the reason he left. And it would explain not visiting. He knew that they would find out. And tell me.

There was no other logical solution that fit all of his behaviors.

The truth hit me with the force of a ton of bricks.

_Adam raped me._

_Adam drugged me, and raped me._

The realization rose bile in my throat.

I faintly heard the beeping increase in the background, but that , and the sounds of my sobbing were muted in my brain.

I was having an out-of-body experience.

I felt myself falling deeper into oblivion. My vision clouded, and I could no longer feel the cold steel bars that I gripped in my hands only a second ago.

Before I felt myself fall into the black hole that tried to consume me, I heard only a voice, and then felt a touch. My breathing slowed, the beeping went back to a relatively normal rate, my vision became clearer, and I felt on my cheek the lightest of touches; a hand caressing my face slowly, and softly. And I heard, again, the beautiful voice, "Shhh, I know. I'm sorry," the voice broke, "I'm so sorry...You never did anything to deserve this..."

My angel.

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**A/N: I was about to write read and review, but then I had a thought! you already read!!!! duh! **

**soooo REVIEW!!**

**Now I'm gonna go sulk that I'm stuck at home while eating a chocolate eclair and watching B_urn After Reading_.....humph **


	8. Bloodshot

**A/N: No rant this time. I promise. Let's see, it's been a while, but this one's good. At least I think so.**

**OH! And I actually have a Beta now! A bit late, but oh well. Better late than never, eh?**

**She's awesome. XD**

**Without further ado...Bloodshot**

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Bloodshot

"The hill's still left to climb

It's just so

High

And I'm so

Tired

Come on look me in my bloodshot eyes

The clouds are all on

Fire"

_And I heard, again, the beautiful voice, "Shhh, I know. I'm sorry," the voice broke, "I'm so sorry...You never did anything to deserve this..."_

_My angel._

My body relaxed in his arms, my head clearing, returning to consciousness. My grip on the bars slipped gently, hands falling to my sides. I opened my eyes, my chest still moving up and down with my labored breaths. I captured sight of his face, his eyebrows pulled together in something more than concern, his eyes tortured.

I blinked, clearing my eyes so to better see his face. I sighed, slightly in awe with how quickly I felt calm, safe in his presence.

He drew back immediately as he saw my eyes open. He cleared his throat, smiling awkwardly. "I'm sorry. That- that wasn't." He trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"Drew." I said softly, still unsure, if I could talk or not. "Don't," I said, feeling the panic rush over me again, my heart rate increasing along with my breathing. He looked towards the monitor, then placed his hand on my head again, first as if just to check up on me, but then stroking, soothing.

"Shhh, You're okay." He looked deep into my eyes, and I felt myself falling endlessly into his bottomless emerald ones. I had to close my eyes, I was drowning in jade.

I heard him sigh deeply beside me, his other hand twisting into mine, warm and comforting. "As a doctor, you /know/ I have to talk to you about the..." He hesitated. "Drugs, and the…rape…" His grip on my hand tightened as he said it reluctantly.

I sighed, trying my hardest not to think about it, new tears threatening to break loose. "Yes." I said tonelessly, going very still, trying to ward off any pain. Trying to build a wall between myself and the world around me.

"Annie?" He spoke slowly, unsurely. "Please talk to me. I can help you. No one else needs to know, unless you want them to."

My eyes popped open immediately. "No one. Please." I pleaded. "Don't tell anyone." My wall threatened to crumble, but I clung to it. This was the only card I held. No one could find out about this. That would not turn out well.

He frowned, but nodded. "No one then." He sighed, running his hand down to my cheek, cupping it. His voice was strained now. "Annie, you need to tell me what happened."

I looked away from his face. I couldn't. I just figured it out for myself, and even then I wasn't sure if I believed it or not. It just didn't add up.

"If you would rather tell someone else that's fine," he said, gently withdrawing his hand from mine. I grabbed onto it with all the strength I had in my body.

"No…" I whispered feebly, "I can't tell them. Just you. Please? Stay?" I looked into his eyes, the hopeless feeling retreating as he returned his hand to mine. I sighed, unsure of _why_ I felt I could only tell him_. _It really was unreasonable. I had only met him hours ago, but I felt he was the only thing I had left. The one beacon of light in the storm. The one thing to hold onto as everything fell to pieces around me.

He sighed, running a hand through his curly brown hair. "Okay. I want you to tell me everything. As much as you can remember, start wherever you think is best." He returned his hand to my hair, stroking it, running his fingers through the long strands.

I sighed too, wondering where to start. If I wanted to tell him about the rape, I needed to tell him about the bar and Adam. And to explain that, I needed to talk about Nate's death-_suicide_- I corrected myself. So I would start there.

Oo0oO

I awoke the next morning, lighter than I had felt in a while. I still felt the immeasurable weight of the unforeseeable future on my shoulders, along with that of my painful past year.

But, since I had told Drew, I felt as if maybe, just _maybe_, things would find a way to work themselves out. Maybe there was hope for my life to return to normal. Maybe I could forgive myself for not being able to save Nate in time, from himself.

I raised my eyes to the doorway, to find a formal, hesitant-looking Drew. I smiled, irrationally happy to see him.

He frowned, which confused me. Had I done something wrong? My brow creased as I searched his face for the answer. I only found fear. _Fear? Why should Drew be afraid?_

Before my confusion could get the better of me, he spoke. "You have a guest." He spoke stiffly and coldly, as if he was hiding anger, yet afraid of something at the same time.

My brow furrowed in confusion. Normally the staff let them just walk in on their own. Something was different here. I watched Drew step away from the door, motioning someone in, his eyes intent on the ground as if he couldn't bear something.

I looked only to meet a familiar pair of ice-blue eyes, dancing with mischief and self-certainty even now.

Even as a lay in a hospital bed, a product of _his_ work. Even after everything he knew he had done to me…even after all of that. He stood in front of me, that satisfied smirk ever present.

Even now.

I was torn again between emotions. Anger, pure rage, as I wanted to reach out and smack that smirk clean of his face. Fear, sadness as I wanted to burst into tears, knowing everything he had done to me. And though I knew it was wrong, far from rational, I felt that same dangerous magnetism pull me to him. The same intrigue that had been there only a week or so before bubbled up again in me.

"Adam." I croaked, my eyes glued to him as I felt my heart race with the flurry of emotion in my body.

His smirk grew as he lazily eyed the heart monitor, giving me away. He threw a look over a Drew, and the open door. "I can shut this, right?" He asked, but began to without waiting for an answer.

Drew looked to my eyes for a contradiction, but found none and stepped back. Stunned, worried, and hurt.

The door shut with an ominous click, the tiny sound amplified by the imposing atmosphere. "Annie, Annie, Annie." Adam mused, idly walking to the foot of my bed. He placed a cold hand on my foot, looking at me- almost condescendingly. "Look where you are. Just where you never wanted to be. The hospital, with doctors telling you all sorts of lies." He shook his head, his blonde hair falling over his forehead. "Don't tell me you've been buying into their bullshit. Only _you_ and _I_ know the truth." He looked into my eyes, as if trying to convince me of this with just his silvery eyes.

"The truth?" I asked, still confused, my conflicting emotions making it hard to think. "About what?"

He sighed heavily, walking around to my side, sitting in the chair Drew had been in only hours ago as I had drifted to sleep. The stark contrast between the two was almost humorous.

If I had been in any kind of laughing mood.

"You know what Annie. The drugs…" His face became abruptly serious, his hand wrapping around mine "I know what they must have told you. That I gave you those drugs to rape you. But I didn't." He shook his head again.

I looked up at him, wanting to believe so badly every word he had said. To still believe his ridiculous doctrine, to believe that the doctors -Drew- were all wrong. But the facts contradicted the beliefs. But, even then, staring into his eyes, I knew _he_ was the liar. That he had given the GHB to me to hurt me. It was no accident.

"Really?" I asked him, my voice shacking as I looked for the truth. "You didn't? What the hell _else_ would GHB be doing in my drink?" I pursed my lips, anger, hurt, and confusion causing tears to well in my eyes. "I don't believe _you_ Adam."

He pulled back, looking me in the eyes, his sharp. "You don't believe me? God you're stupider than I thought! You give in after _one_ week. What about me? Did you forget about me?"

"No. But it sure seemed like you did. How did it go again?" I asked, the anger winning out over the other emotions as the past days hurt and confusion over his absence began to align. "Oh yes. That's right. You _left_ me. After you drugged, and _raped_ me." My voice broke only once, but I swallowed, continuing. "_Then!_ Yes, that's right, then. As I'm in the hospital suffering from an overdose, stuck in a _coma_, you don't even bother with gracing me with your presence." I paused, catching my breath and removing my hand from his reluctantly.

As much as I hated him in this moment there was still a part of me that seemed to want, to -_need- _him there. I swallowed the longing and looked at him, challenging. "Contradict me. Tell me I'm wrong?" I asked, almost begged.

He looked away, his hand sliding awkwardly back into his lap as he was rejected. "No. You're right." He stated without a single traceable hint of regret or remorse. "But why would I, you were asleep, it doesn't matter. You wouldn't have even noticed."

I shook my head once, seeing everything fall into place. '_It doesn't matter'._ It never truly had. Not to him anyway. He just needed someone weaker than him, and I was his prime candidate. And I let myself believe there was something else. I let herself be taken, used, and abused by him.

"Leave." I ordered weakly, looking away. I needed to be alone to revel in this newfound aloneness. To work out what was up, down, backwards, and inside out. This morning when I awoke I thought it was all over, but I was wrong. Is it ever really over?

Adam stood without a sound, nodded and left the room with two long strides. The door swung back, but a tan hand caught it before it could close. I closed my eyes and shook my head once, I needed to be alone.

The door clicked shut with a worried sigh from the other side.

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**A/N: Any good? Click on that itty-bitty button to let me know. Maybe I'll reward you...who knows?**


	9. Dark Blue

**A/N: Yeahhhh. I know. I promised it sooner. But It was just _so_ nice outside.**

**Also known as vacation. **

**So this chapter is for you....yuuup. YOU. No, not _you!_**

**You.**

**Mr. "Avery"...because you wouldn't shut up about it. ;)**

Dark Blue

"Have you ever been alone,

In a crowded room?

Well I'm here with you…"

I heard the slight, hesitant knock on my door about an hour later. By this time my tears had dried, and my thoughts were in order. Or at least as ''in order'' as they were going to be for a long while.

"You can come in." I said, a sigh in my voice, knowing who and what waited for me behind the slowly opening door.

The curly hair appeared first, his eyes cast downward in hesitation and worry. "Annie…" Drew began, picking up his head, looking me in the eyes.

"It's okay Drew." I shook my head, not wanting him to worry unnecessarily. "I know the truth, and I know that truth lies with…you." I sighed, conceding.

His eyes lit up , as if surprised by my statement, searching mine for a lie or contradiction. "What about him?" He asked, letting a small amount of disgust leak into his tone.

"He won't be back." I shrugged, knowing this was the truth. He lost, and wouldn't try again. Not for a while at least. "And I won't go to him." I stated, reassuring.

Drew sighed, as if relieved himself, and came to sit again in the chair by my bed. "So. You're not going with him, and you're going to stop with all the…unsavory behavior?" He asked delicately, watching my response carefully.

"Yes, there's nothing for me in it." I shook my head again. Alcohol had done me no good, and the drugs had done me even worse. I reached for his hands, laid in his lap, and slipped mine into his-warm and comforting.

"Good." Drew said, swallowing and looking up as my hand joined his, his voice trying to become professional and detached. "Annie. We're going to release you soon. In a few days at the most. You're clean and safe, as it seems. But you're parents have talked about sending you somewhere. To get…better. They don't know about the rape, I promised you that much, but you've been through enough as it is." He sighed, staring at a spot just over my head.

I let this information sink in as I looked at his set, square jaw. I was leaving the hospital. This was good news; I could try to have a normal life, to find my place again. But, I was going somewhere, somewhere to get better. This was…probably a good thing. Though I wouldn't know until the end.

This all meant leaving Drew at the hospital. Despite the short time, something had grown, at least within me. The thought of being without him made me uneasy, and it was as if I would lose my way without him. He had been my angel while I drifted alone and unsure in my despair and mistakes. I wasn't his patient and he wasn't my doctor. Not anymore. I needed him.

I frowned, wrapping my hand around his tighter, as if securing myself to him physically could change anything. "Oh. I see." I nodded dumbly, unsure of what to say next.

Drew nodded too, still refusing to make eye contact, no matter how hard I tried to pull his eyes towards mine. "Drew…look at me?"

He turned his face to mine reluctantly, and I saw there the poorly masked worry and pain.

"Drew." I took a deep breath, and looked down at our tightly intertwined fingers. "I'm…going to miss you. _So_ much." My voice broke on the last part, and I looked up at him expectantly.

The mask fell away from his face at my words, revealing his true emotions. He nodded, his green eyes finally connecting with mine as he rubbed his thumb across the back of my hand. "Yeah." He whispered. "Me too, me too." He sighed, looking away briefly before returning his gaze to mine. "But you have to go. And leave me behind." He nodded to himself, obviously decided.

I frowned, knowing that I would have to go. And that it was for the better anyhow. "But I'll see you again?" I probed, unsure of how far "behind" he wanted me to leave him.

He looked up to ceiling, taking in one breath. "I don't know if that's the best idea." He stated hesitantly, stumbling over his words.

My brow furrowed as I took in his words. I looked down out our hands, obviously not simply a comforting gesture. I hadn't misread him, of this I was sure. I saw the genuine worry and pain crease his forehead as he saw _my _pain. I had heard his voice, laced with sadness while I had slipped in an out of consciousness, his hand over my head in his best attempt to subdue my helplessness.

I finally shook my head at him. "Why not?"

"Because." He stated softly, trying his hardest to be reasonable. "You're broken. And having me-or anyone- in your life to complicate things…well, that wouldn't help much. And you need to get better." He sighed, swallowing. "And-well- I don't want to be here only for you to cling on. I..." He sighed again. "I really like you. And I don't think you're going to be able to tell what you really feel for a long time." He looked up into my eyes, uneasy.

A small smile tugged at the corners of my lips as he admitted that he really did like me. He may have had a point that I don't know how I really feel, not yet. But I wouldn't dwell on that. Not for a few seconds at least.

I sat up farther in the bed, watching him. "You like me." I repeated with a smile. "I _think_ I like you too." And with that I gave into the dream I'd had over the past weeks and leaned over, pressing my lips to his softly.

His lips were better than I had imagined. The perfect combination of soft and firm, kissing me back after only the slightest hesitation. One of his warm, large hand left mine and moved to the back of my head, holding me there to let the kiss linger between our lips.

He pulled back first, his hand sliding down to my shoulder. He paused one moment before opening his eyes, softer than I had seen them before. Instead of the sharp, piercing green, they were arm and inviting-almost drowsy. He shook his head once, though I could tell he didn't mean it. "We shouldn't." He tried.

"Why not?" I contradicted, a small smile lighting up my face.

"Well-for one- we're in a hospital. The place where I happen to work. Though I'm not actually on duty right now." He smiled crookedly at me.

"Wait." I interrupted him, something he said hitting me. "What do you mean you aren't on duty? Why are you still here?" I asked him, confused.

He looked at me as if I was missing something key. "I wasn't going to leave you. You needed me here. I could tell." He smiled at me softly, his thumb moving up to my cheek, rubbing it gently.

I smiled, realizing how much he seemed to know me, despite how little I had spoken. "Oh. And what was the other reason?"

"I already told you. We're not getting involved. The most I can be to you is a friend." He frowned as he spoke, his eyes hardening to cover what he wanted, with what he thought he needed to do.

"Oh." I frowned too, looking down. "I see. I understand." I nodded, surrendering. He was right. I pulled back from underneath his hand, and freed my own hand from his. It would have to be friends, I don't know if I could stay on the straight and narrow without him. I offered my hand to shake. "Friends then."

His strong, steady hand closed with mine and I made a vow to myself that it would only be temporary, until I was fixed. Until then I could only hope that he would stand by me long enough.

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**A/N: Shorter than usual, but it needed to be. The story's wrapping up folks!**

**I'm still debating whether or not to write a sequel. I'll consult my "people".**

**REEVIEW. And You'll fid something special in your inbox..... ;)**


	10. Swim

**A/N: Oh, an update _already_! How lovely.**

**Now read it.**

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Swim

"I swim for brighter days,

Despite the absence of sun,

Choking on saltwater.

I'm not giving in,

I swim…"

"Annie?" My mother's tentative voice called to me, pulling me out of my reverie. Both my parents had been through so much lately, not only with Nate's unexpected death, but now with my own downfall.

"I'm ready." I responded, slipping off the edge of the now-familiar hospital bed, my feet landing with a soft thud on the linoleum. I smiled, walking over to hug her meaningfully. "I love you Mom." I whispered into her ear when her arms wrapped around me.

"I know baby, I love you too. We all do. Don't hurt yourself anymore. Please." She pleaded with me, pulling back to look me in the eyes, her free hand brushing my long auburn hair back from my face.

I smiled at her sadly, trying to reassure her. "I promise you I won't. It was a mistake." I knew this simple promise wouldn't be enough. Not now. Time is the true test of any promise, the only way to earn trust back.

She smiled at me too, but it didn't reach her eyes. A hazel brown, perfect mirror to my own. She worried about me; there were faint wrinkles around the corners of those eyes to prove it. "Okay hun. I'm going to go get your father and finish the last of the paperwork, then you're out of here." She released me, and gave me quick kiss on the forehead before walking around the corner, throwing one worried glace over her shoulder. It was as if she though I might run.

I sighed. Trust would be harder to earn back than I had originally thought.

"You'll be fine." A deep, familiar voice assured me. I turned to him, a smile already lighting up my face.

"I wasn't actually worried about that. Though that's certainly something to think about."

Drew laughed lightly, the sound a bit strained as he left a calculable distance between us. I wanted so badly to close it with a kiss, my hands wrapped around his neck, my lips on his passionately. I saw the picture of it clearly in my head, but pushed it back. That would be a clear violation of the friendship-only rule. I sighed again.

He looked down, running his hand through his hair. "Come on." He stepped towards me, a hand outstretched. "It's for the better. I promise."

The boy could read my mind. I slipped my hand into his, looking at the way they fit together. "I know. "

I _did _know. I understood that-after Nate's death-I had needed someone stronger than myself to hold onto. Something to believe in. Adam had been that.

And look where that got me. In a hospital, on my way to a rehab clinic in Southern California.

I didn't want Drew to just be that. I felt that I really did like him, but I had to like _me,_ and _my_ life before I thought of adding anything-or anybody- else.

He pulled me into his chest gently, wrapping his strong arms around me. His faced buried into my hair, a sigh escaping his own lips. "That doesn't mean I'm not going to miss you like_ hell." _He laughed without humor, shaking his head to the side slightly. "Because I am. I really am." He admitted.

My body reflexively leaned wholly into his chest, my ear close enough to hear his heart beating at a slow, steady pace. "I'm going to miss you too. Promise you'll call. Or write. Or whatever. I just can't get through this without you."

He simply nodded, then pulled back. "I promise. Of course." He brushed his fingers across my cheek once lightly, then laid his hand on the side of my face. I stared up at him, unsure of what came next. Any moment my parents would turn the corner and make this the end.

Drew sensed that too, his eyes flicked to the corner then back to mine. "Goodbye Annie. I'll think about you non-stop from the moment you leave my arms."

I felt tears well up in my eyes; this was only the first of what would be many goodbyes. His finger quickly brushed them aside as they began to spill over, my resolve crumbling with them. I couldn't do this. There was no way.

He shook his head at me, his green eyes reassuring. "Don't cry Annie. You can do this." He wrapped me once more into his arms, his own breathing heavy and labored. He rubbed my back slowly as realization hit me.

The question wasn't _if_ I could do this, in fact it wasn't a question at all. It needed to be done. For my mom, my dad, Becca, Drew, and more than anyone: Nate. As my older brother, he had always wanted me to be happy. When Eric pulled my hair in the third grade and chased me everyday at lunch, he took care of it. When my first boyfriend, Luke, broke up with me in seventh grade, he sat beside me while I cried irrationally over what I thought was lost love. And every single time Becca and I got into fights he talked me through it, leading me in the right direction. He never left my side. Even as he began his own downward spiral, he tried to hold me up. On the rare occasions that he hurt my feelings, he would leave notes on my bedroom door in the middle of the night, apologizing.

I couldn't let everything he had done for me go to pieces. Wherever he might be, if he's anywhere at all, I hoped he was happy. And I knew he'd be hoping the same for me.

I nodded slowly, taking a deep breath as I steadied myself. "I can. And I will Drew. That's _my_ promise. Okay?" I looked up at him, a faint smile tugging at my lips as my eyes traced his face, each individual feature, committing them to memory.

He nodded once then stepped back from me reluctantly. "Okay." He swallowed, watching me closely before we were finally interrupted.

"Annie-" My father's deep voice came from around the corner. "Oh. And you must be the intern the doctor mentioned. Thank you so much for caring for our daughter." He said genuinely, reaching out to shake Drew's hand firmly. "We owe you deeply."

Drew shook his hand and smiled professionally. "It was my pleasure. I sincerely hope that all goes well with her recovery." His eyes flickered to mine as a secret smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. He honestly meant the words so much more than he conveyed.

"Alrighty Annie, Mom's in the car, ready to go. Shall we?" He motioned to the front doors of the hospital, a smile that didn't reach his eyes growing on his face. My father didn't show emotion the way my mom did. He held the family together in the worst times, being our rock. But I knew it had affected him. After Nate's death his hair had lost some of its luster, and now there were a few grey hairs in places that were previously brown.

I nodded, trying a smile for him too. As my dad began to walk I paused, looking back. "Bye Drew." I whispered, allowing my eyes to lock with his for one final moment- telling him everything that I had wished to- wordlessly, before I turned and walked from the hospital.

My father wrapped his arm around my shoulders as the crisp Boston spring air greeted us outside. "Don't worry Annie, I won't tell your mother about him yet. _I _like him though." He winked conspiratorially at me once as he popped open the car door, leaving me stunned, and quite a bit impressed.

* * *

**A/N: Whew...so. I just realized that is ONE chapter left!! **

**Fuuuuuck.**

**I honestly....have no idea what to do. Should I write a sequel? Or no. You tell me.**

**In the review you were just about to write me. ;)**


	11. The Resolution

The Resolution

_Dear Annie,_

_I know you're not even getting into the clinic until Wednesday, but with no shifts tonight; there was nothing to hold this off any longer. I told you I'd miss you the second you left my arms, and I didn't lie. I miss you a lot, but I know this is good. For you._

_I suppose it's not the best thing to ramble on and on about how much I miss you. …_

_Dear Annie,_

_I'm really happy to hear that the ride down to the clinic went well, and that things seem nice. When your parents spoke to me about their options, I knew this one would fit you perfectly. The sun, the ocean, everything seemed like just what you needed…._

_Dear Annie,_

_I got a new patient at the hospital. Don't worry about me going off and falling in love with this one, because it's a guy...it looks like my hand got carried away with itself again. I love you, I do. I wanted to wait until I saw you again, but…apparently my hand had another idea…_

_Dear Annie,_

_It's been a while since you've written your parents, and it seems they've found that I am the way to send this message to you. "Write your parents. They miss you. They better hear from you, or you're grounded! Hahahah…." Your mom's hilarious by the way…_

_Dear Annie,_

_I can't wait until this summer. I really, really, cannot wait another second. It's like being a kid again, and waiting for Christmas. It feels like it just might never come. I can't wait to see you, and June couldn't come sooner…_

Annie read, and re-read every single letter from Drew as she sat on the bed in her room, the room that had been her home for seven months now. A seven months that ended tomorrow. Tomorrow, Drew would show up at her door, ready to take her home. Her parents had agreed with Drew's plan-but who couldn't agree with Drew?-to pick her up at the clinic, and drive her all the way back to Boston, a week's long trip. And Annie couldn't think about anything else. It wasn't just seeing Drew-that wasn't even half of it-it was going home. She could see her friends, her parents, her own home, her own room. And everything would fall into the place it would have been without her mistakes. Smiling, she slipped the worn pile of letters into her suitcase.

One last thing, she thought to herself. She needed to write a letter to Drew. Yes, she would see him tomorrow, but she knew she'd never be able to speak to him all the things that needed to be said. Taking out one of the last, lingering sheets from her green spiral notebook, she smiled to herself. There was a lot that needed to be said, and she was finally in a place to write it all out.

Setting pen to paper, she began:

_Dear Drew,_

_Someone I knew once told me that not being able to feel pain makes life so much easier. This same person told me a lot of other things I later found out not to be true. A lot of things that you later proved wrong._

_Through you, Drew, I know that it's better to feel pain than nothing at all. And without facing your pain, you'll never get over it. I also learned that there is one thing stronger than the world's most intense pains. Love._

_As cheesy as that sounds, it's true. I never would be where I am now without it. The love of my friends, my family, and you._

_For the longest time after the death of my older brother Nate, I'd let the pain rule my life, wallowing in the empty shell of the family I once had. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't pay attention to anything, thinking that the world couldn't go on without an explanation for his actions. Without his presence in my life. He'd always been there for me, and I didn't want to live in a world unguarded by him._

_Then I met Adam. I know, I know. You don't want to have to think about Adam anymore, but he's one of the most important people in my story. I met Adam, and he said he could show me the way. He promised me a way to guard myself from the pain, a way to escape the world where nothing made sense anymore. He told me that he cared for me, that he would watch over me. I needed someone to promise me that. I needed someone, anyone, to even pretend that they could care for me like Nate had. That they could replace the hole his absence had left behind. I would have taken anything thrown at me._

_But, you see, when you trust anything in a hope of being loved, you're going to get hurt. Adam hurt me. Adam mislead me, driving me into deeper trouble than I'd ever been in my whole life. Looking back on those few days I spent in his company, I realized-from as much as I can remember-something pivotal. I was never even happy with him. There was little pain, but there was nothing else. I was just hallow version of myself, even worse than a pain-filled whole. _

_Before I had a chance to realize any sort of mistake, I was gone from Adam's arms, and thrust into reality. Never have I hit the ground harder than those few days. I would have broken if there was no one to pick me up._

_But, to my undeserving luck, that wasn't the case. As I eased in an out of consciousness for days, I heard your voice. And you were my angel. Some part of me trusted you already, some part of me that wasn't controlled by my fears. It was innate in me. I depended on you to live._

_Then, you proved to be every bit an angel. Drew, I could never have made it out of the hospital without you, let alone where I am now._

_This clinic-which, do NOT lie to me, I know was your idea-has turned my life around. In a good way, of course. _

_I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid that I won't be able to face the world on my own, without the protection of Nate anymore. I'm not afraid that I'll fall back into Adam's arms when he comes to me, his convincing eyes trying to pull me back to the dark. I'm not afraid of the unknown._

_I'm not dependant on others for my happiness or protection, and I know that I can live on my own two feet. _

_And, more than anything, I've stopped questioning what I'll never know. I'll never know if Adam was sincere in his words to me. I'll never know what he really wanted. I'll never know if my parents saw my downward spiral, or Nate's. And, I'll never know just why Nate did it. I've stopped asking myself. He was unhappy, but he should never have done it. It wasn't my fault, or anyone else's. _

_And-Drew-I'm happy. I'm free of my pain. And I know, when it comes again in life, I'll be prepared to handle it. _

_So, thank you. You mean the universe, and the next one over, to me. You've helped me see clearly now. You told me in the hospital that I wouldn't know for a long time how I really felt about you, but I think you were wrong._

_I love you, and that hasn't changed since the moment I heard your voice._

_Love, and so much more,_

_Annie_


End file.
